Archive for May, 2017

Forever One
May 21, 2017

Ohio plates
Notre Dame
Another Clue
On the plates,
Ties in to
Past lives
New Understanding
Different view.
Monk and nun
900 years ago
Medieval era
Love story
Ahead of its
Drawn together
Seeking deeper
Many years apart,
In age,
And after tragedy,
Castration, betrayal and
An only child
They had,
She was forced
To give up
Suffering at the
Hands of
Ludicrous convention
And worry,
Relative to the mores
Of their time.
Deep passionate
Love letters span
A lifetime with
Sporadic interaction.
Reunited in death
Bed by bed
Side by side
Forever one.


Exit Interview
May 20, 2017

This is not a poem as much as it is an expression that I needed to get off my chest.  Love has been something to me that has opened me up and continues to teach me so many lessons.  It is never ending and for the first time in my life I can say I am not sorry I loved someone and I’d do it all over again.  This might not be so positive upon initial perception but it is authentic.  I know love does not judge and I am passing judgment here.  I realize that love does not get attached to outcomes or have expectations.  So this exit interview  is an expression that was critical to me healing because immediately after I cleared this I felt the love in my heart flow through me again.  And one may debate why did I stay in a relationship (I did not initiate the break up) like this if I carried some of these resentments.  It’s because I focused on the positives in the person, I believed things would get better and I constantly attempted to be more of who I am becoming.  Most importantly I’m not perfect either and I believed love would conquer all, even in me.

Exit Interview

I was wrong – I believed love can conquer all – that a narcissist can over come their tendencies and learn how to truly love and be vulnerable and authentic as they wish the world would be with them, but you are not open to it as you think you are. There are cracks in your walls and love peaks through or barely gets in and possibly sometime in the future the walls will come crumbling down.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all your fears and being patient with you, staying by your side during your ugliness would demonstrate that you are worthy of love but your mind chose to ignore that and create a reality based on pain patterns and keep you trapped there regardless of what I would say because in the end as you have repeatedly told me, you only believe what you want to, hearing all this stuff that is not there even when I clearly state otherwise.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all and that you would recognize the freedom you always had in this relationship to do what you want, when you want. I never put conditions on you or prevented you or impeded you from doing anything. You don’t even remember the mantra i shared with you about what I was committed to fostering in this house when we moved in. Enjoy the freedom you wanted and have created now.

I was wrong to think love could conquer all and feel these things because so many times I saw changes in you that were encouraging and kept me going but your fashion or approach is never to actually jump in , you tread into the water and stop ankle deep at most.

I was wrong to think love would conquer all and you’d get over your fears about the future and your pains but you stay trapped inside your walls.

I wasnt wrong about love conquering all as much as I was wrong about you or my beliefs about you. I believed if someone like myself could change so much in a short period of time why couldn’t you? If I could dissolve my big fears why couldn’t you ? If I could commit and become more open and vulnerable, why couldn’t you? I held back on my emotions and sharing them with you after a while because of a child inside me that kept score, always asking myself why am I the one who always has to share/ start? Doesn’t matter you won’t get this because you only believe what you want to.

I was wrong to believe I could make a difference in your life, never once did I ever hear a statement of gratitude from you for anything or even heartfelt appreciation. Meaning I told you about how being with you taught me so much and was grateful for it but an equal admission from you is akin to failure on your part of being able to do things on your own.

The last two bday cards you gave me bring this back full circle- I am slowly breaking this habit of keeping score meaning I’ve done this, you’ve done or haven’t done this – the images on them or the nature of the card were indicative of caring and thought but the words were so robotic and demonstrate to me how hard it is for you to express your emotions. Your words were like form letters.

You say that inclusion into your life or having me do things with you was so important but you mocked / scolded me when I put pictures of us as on my phone home screen, or I had your picture attached to your phone number – a true sign of me changing because i never ever had pictures of anyone in my life on display anywhere. But you couldn’t appreciate that. If I had Facebook it would have been all over there too but I can only imagine your reaction to that. You placed a picture of yourself on your phone again exemplifying the ‘me first, you maybe third or fourth priority ‘ that I always felt. You always wanted me to go to things that you wanted and the one time I wanted you to come to a Thai cooking class it wasn’t important enough to you to change what you wanted to do. So I went alone.

May 19, 2017

I used to
Call it
Boob tube
Something that
Makes your
Go numb
In a rapid fire
It was the fifth
I noticed about
The first
Was your
The second
Was your
The third
Your smile.
The fourth
Your eyes
But this
All happened
So fast
It was like
A second.

Takes on
So much was
The TV
Based on
Time together
Side by side
Arm in arm
In the company
Of an angel
And family.
Of perception
Or events

A Testament to Myself
May 15, 2017

I am worth
The effort
The pain
The hurt
The risk
The anxiety
The struggle
The fear.
I am worth
The effort
To sit in
And be with
And go through
The hellfire of
Of it.
I am worth
Living for
And dying for.
My worth is
I’m willing
And glad
To be
To my true
To evolve
To be
Who am I
Which is
A sparkle
In the
Of Divine

Emotional Communion
May 13, 2017

For the first time
You actually said you’re
And meant it
For the first time
You actually felt an iota
Of what I’ve felt for
A long long time
Hurt and pain
For the first time
A glimpse behind
The wall of protection
That keeps your hurt
A painful connection
The one that
Keeps you emotionally
You now know
What it feels like
Face to face
With it all
The ice queen
Behind the wall

Lose Your Illusion
May 13, 2017


All of them
I said you need your freedom
And you said thank you
But you don’t get it
This illusion you have
Is based on
Fear of commitment
Not me impeding your growth
You imply i hold you back
Or that i don’t allow you
To be you
And that was never the case
Nor is.
I was committing to
Nurturing our
And if you don’t
See that
Or believe
That’s your issue
Not mine.
I’m the one
Who wrote
In my notes
In this house
I’m committed to fostering
Honest Communication
Self Determination/Independence and Interdependence
A healthy space to be
Nurturing one self”

As a mantra
Of being
But of course your don’t
Me sharing this with you
Either, do you?
You’re too blind
To see the love
That has shined on
You’re more in
Bondage by
The non acceptance
Of your shit
And chasing your tail.
You do deserve it
To hear this
Not because you’re
A bad person
This time I’m
The Yoga instructor
That told you
You’re not
A compassionate
But I’m
Telling you
Way more about
So yes I do
Need to say this
And you need to hear it
Because no one
Else is going to tell
This to you.
So it’s a gift
If you choose
To allow your
To see it for what it
And not feed your
Old patterns,
Raise your
As you did
With what
She said,
You are
A fair bit
Of this.
You want me
To give up
On you,
You think
Letting go
Of you is
The answer
I’m not holding
On to you
We are both
Always have
Will be.
You think
Letting go is
A one time
It’s Can
Be an ordeal
Repeated over
And over
And over
Until the lesson
And new pattern
Is learnt.

Bleed and Let it Bleed For This
May 13, 2017




Thank you
For the transference
Of your infantile
Paying lip service
To notions
You only scratch
The surface on
And carelessly
No concept of
Value at all.
Me me me
My my my
I want I want I want
I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want
Like this is
It’s not
It’s a replay
Meant as reminder
That you’re not getting
There are some things
That you don’t want
To get your way
All the time
They will be lessons
That you will abhor,
And break you down
The thicker the
The harder
The force
Required to penetrate
So as a mirror
Of resistance
And rejection
My ode to you,
Gratitude for
Right royally pissing
Me off
No worries
About what you
Don’t want
I’m used to it
With your
Self absorbed
Center of the only-verse
There is
In existence.
Nothing like
A person with
Narcissistic patterns
Entangled in
Blinders on
But not for
More so
To not see
Past their no’s(e).
It’s like a vicious circle
And definitely not
A good infinity loop.
It’s like feeding
A narc
To an addict,
Already self-absorbed
And now a
Reason to get even
More self absorbed.
Black hole
But there
Is a
In that
On the other side.
I’ll get to the point
I’d rather be
For all the right
Which would be
Dialing in
And heeding the
Inherent universal
That are all
Blatantly in our
If we choose
To listen.
Nothing like
Letting go
Of a nagging
Dead weight
Since I’ve
Known you
There has been
This reoccurring
It’s wrong to
Be right
To suit your
Fucking ways,
Drag me
To your
Inferiority issues.
Which are the
Dead weight
Nagging you,
Let it fucking go
This is what we’re
Here for
Unconditional love
I, for the first
Time in my life
On a walk with my dog
Love and appreciate myself
For being right.
Since I was a kid
I’ve been told
It’s been bad to
Always be right
But as the Joker
Said to the Bat
“You made me”
Are we not
To get it right?
Can’t be wrong,
Can’t make a mistake?
Get good grades,
Be perfect,
Which means we can’t
Be wrong
It’s a sign of
Lack of whatever
The fuck you want it
To be
Intelligence, smarts,
Approval, acceptance
And so on.
So if I’m right,
But it means
It this duality
And opposition
Let’s all learn
From this
Help each
Other see
The way
Instead of
I rather
The effort that
Goes into getting
It right
Than self sabotage
And quitting
Or giving up.
Bleed for this,
And let the blood
Run dry
Feel your heart
Into a million tiny
Only like
A superhero
Movie graphic
It comes back
To life
And stronger
And stronger
With every
Heart beat.
Driven by
An innate
Made in
And this is
The unification
Of masculine
And feminine
New for old
So we
(Same letters form the two words and the solution to all the problems we have is embedded in the word in three letters – ear, meaning listen to your heart, which is an art, of love and expression)

This poem is inspired by a couple things that are synchronous, happening one after the other, not right away but in a sequence to set this realization up. One element is being triggered by a certain someone, the other is the perfect emotional storm inside that has been churning to teach me, aside from the most important thing, unconditional love, emotional independence. The last element is the last scene in the movie Bleed For This where the reporter interviews the main character and asks ‘what’s the biggest lie you were told’. As a side note, there’s another great line in that movie by said main character, “it’s easy to give up”. Authenticity and living vulnerable is not about paying lip service and blowing hot air, as Brene Brown states, it’s about showing up in the arena and taking your hits…probably knowing your’e going to take them too…and still come back, stand up or get back up. The sad part is that we have to spend so much time, or some of us do, spending so much energy in our short lives pursuing all the wrong things that seem right at the time only to have to spend more time undoing and dealing with the internal and possibly external collateral damage caused by it. If i had or have a dream/wish it would be to thank those that have come before me and will come after me as we reshape this world one by one, person by person, on an individual level and energetic level, to make life more peaceful and loving so that others don’t have to endure. We don’t need pain in our lives. We don’t need tragedy to awaken our hearts. We need to relearn or be taught what it means to be who we are, not what we are. And being right is not who we are, it’s what we are, it’s a circumstance. We are love and light with so much stuff to clear to get back to innocence in the Garden of Heaven here on Earth.

May 13, 2017


Sway bar
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
For I did
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van