Dark Knite

dark-knite-cover.jpg

A chapbook compilation of writings that occurred after the publication of Markings and without a doubt is a chapter in it. Yes, the title is a wordplay. 😉

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Foreword

A personal crusade against my demons. A battle fought within the cavernous morbidity of my soul.

A slight of the hypocritical, crippling constructs of a supposed higher intelligence, a civilized animal. Caged within the abstract walls of the mind and panoptic legacy of neuroticism of generations past.

I do not want to be this way nor did I choose to. In hindsight, all the negativity and rage can only be attributed to the repressive modes, subconscious and conscious, utilized over the past three decades. These modes a medium to protect myself from pain and to prevent the expression of emotions that are not socially accepted or appropriate.

Instead, the wiser thing to do as taught by generations of geniuses is to lock away parts of ourselves and turn a blind eye to the fermentations manifested within. Hence, disconnected, unemotional beings.

The title of this work also implies after dusk, the setting of the sun and a time when recuperation ad regeneration normally occur. Also, a time of the unkown and chance to face the fears perpetuated in the dark.

The end result is resolution, justice, peace and passing away. Call it enlightenment if you will, to wake up to the brilliant and magnificent beauty of the world, reflected within and without.

No one is anyone’s knight in shining armour other than their own.

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Here is a portion of the table of contents and some samples from the chapbook:

Torment

Quicksand

Greatest Teacher 2002

Day Pass

Anguish

Stone Heart

Dark Knite 2000

Rant I

FU

Rant II

Addictive Hope

Rant III

Beautiful People

Rant IV

Out of Control

Daunting Passage

Mixed Perceptions

Absird

Warped

Anger Unleashed

Solitune

Heart’s Beat

Lost Soles

Out Cold
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

i want to hurt myself

to take away the pain

a double neg

resulting in positive gain.

you may think

i’m insane

the endless agony

a continuous rain

drenched in a flood

of torment

i wonder if death

is heaven scent?

t o r m e n t

________________________________________________________________________________________________

quicksand

drown in sorrow

same shit tomorrow

drown in sorrow

suck it up

schlupp schlupp schlupp

drown in sorrow

beg, steal, borrow

yesterday becomes tomorrow

drown in sorrow

flay, splash, swirl

pulled under

rendered asunder

self-perpetuating blunder

drown in sorrow

denial

amplified in thunder

denial denial denial

piled on a child

denial denial denial

viscious circle

waiting waiting waiting

syncopating

decrepit eyz

continually deprived

egotistical high five

waiting waiting waiting

slouched

hunched over

roll over rover

lost puppy dog

pitiful and pathetic

name my dog tick

cuz dick

isn’t justice

socially inept misfit

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

GREATEST TEACHER2002

I’ve got a problem,

No shit Sherlock

I learnt to repress

And submit

To a helpless, hopeless sense of

Agggghhhh

Now I’m deconstructing

Wrapped in a cage of

Self-destructing

Confusion

Torn between what’s

Real and illusion

I want to feel

Stop this spinning

Wheel

Unlearn all I’ve learnt

Burn

Get to the core

Unlock and unload

All thoughts that goad

Trapped on an isolated road

Fucking ugly toad

Frantic, frenetic, neurotic

Impulse, repulse

I’ve taught myself to withdraw

Stuck in an inarticulate

Awe

Now no one’s going to help

Me unteach myself

What I’ve learnt

So leave me the fuck alone

Whenever I wanted to talk

And open up

I shut up

Reprisal

So I got lost

Escapism, schism, my own prison.

Survival mechanism

Death such a seemingly

Waste of time

Futile fragile, no longer agile

I’ve been stuck here

A while

Little, little child

Can’t move in a puddle of mud,

Can’t get control, stuck in a hole,

Lost sight, safe at night

Where I used to be so afraid

Comfort in a hurt

Trapped in a basement

Where I was locked up

Penance

Vindication, venom, retribution

Rage, rage, rage

Against a wall

Only to continually fall

Back

People can’t understand

Why I snapped

Ignorance, self-indulgence

Yours and mine.

I can’t move

Not now, not able to

Can’t find a way out

Can’t shout

Frozen stuck

No vent

Can’t breathe

Rage, rage, rage

Against the night

Await my demons

Then head on

Till the break of dawn

In the daylight only to be

Suppressed in a daily dress

Waiting, waiting, waiting

For darkness

Surfacing, circling, embracing

Vampires dressed to kill

The thrill of blood

Coursing through their veins

Gives them life

Depleting mine

From within.

I’m peeking out from behind a door

Taking in my surroundings

Trying to get a sense

Trying to see

A notion, a feel

Is it safe?

To venture in this

Territory,

Hostile, volatile, red-hot bile.

Nor anger,

Nor hatred

Nor love.

They don’t exist.

“it’s sad if love

does not exist”

trapped by your fear

ignorance

wrapped in

emotional paralysis

and people cant understand

why I get pissed

when I have to listen to

this crap.

Fucking fools know nothing

And expect me to accept

The same shit

Knowing other wise.

Pain, pain, pain

No it’s not like

Pounding rain

On a window pane

Nor is it like the shattering

Crack of lightning

Piercing and igniting

Your being.

A mantra meant to

Vanquish, Distinguish, extinguish

Pain, pain, pain.

Come to a greater awareness

Understanding

Standing under

I am losing my mind

Or maybe it’s my soul

Gove forever

Confusing

Or fusing a con

Expectations crating what’s not real

illusion based in fabrication

should cancel each other out

double negative

am I coming back to you?

Or is really me?

The cycle of life

Stationary, recumbent or mobile

Dynamic

no matter how you ascertain

you will arrive

Destination

Destiny nation

A body of flesh.

Ah it fades away

This build up of tension

That holds me in suspension

Only to come back

Will it end

Relentless

No rest suppress

Depress

Converse express

Peace, if only momentarily

It’s so fucking scary

Limbic

Childlike perception

Override

To the other side

Which is still

Here

Yet no fear

Only

Clear

Passing.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

DAY PASSMAY 03/00
Be careful

What you ask for

For surely

It may be more than you bargained for

How poetic

It seems in

Retrospect

Pathetic

An injustice to

The process

Of living which deserves better

Than even this written letter.

I’ve stood at the gates

Flirted with the fates

Cleaned and juggled and remolded

My plates.

I came seeking solutions

To that

Which was leaking

A bleeding heart

Torn apart

From the very start

By my physical creators

I’ve been searching

For bliss

And all that I got

Was this

Heartache

Heartache the reason

And fuel

For all the

Fire in my life

Burned and scorched

Left hung out to dry

To continually try and

Make it work

I’m not a fly on a wall

More a racehorse

At the pole

Exploding from my stall

Ready to take it

All

Hurdle, blast through, dissect

The abstract wall

Now and forever

Free

I take my last breath

And

Step on through to the

Other

Side.

Now that I’m

On the other side

Or I’ve arrived

It is a feeling of being

Alive

No bright lights

Or thunderous flashes

Just a calm sense

Of serenity

connection and joy.

Before I got to the gate

I had to obtain a pass

On a test

That doesn’t necessarily imply

A score better than the rest

For it’s not a competition

Nor a race

To get to this place,

Open space.

Two words

that represent

The accumulation of twenty-nine years

In this form

And knowledge and wisdom and grace

That’s been around

For millions more.

One can analogously

Draw a line

A pass

From another

On the same team

Assisting one another

Yet in this game

There aren’t any goals

Figures or stats

Everyone’s a leader and follower

But this pass

Can also be compared to a

Score on a test

Yet it’s not a percentage

Or multiple choice

It’s more like

True or false

To yourself

Not to be deluded

Anymore

For life is both a test and game

Within each both

One must pass

Through various stages,

Steps, levels

Whatever you want

To call it.

But the questions and scenarios

Are not all the same

And yes

There is a system

A template so to speak

With unmovable criteria

So for those that

Cling to uniqueness

Get out of the mess

For those that believe

We are different.

I keep getting sidetracked

On this quest to relate

About the pass

And it’s acquisition.

This is not a how-to

Or an I’m holier than thou,

From this position,

It’s an obligation

Responsibility, blessing

And curse for me

To joyfully

Provide things

For people to see

The light

Of the day in what I say.

Yet it is not my words

That must be given attention

For it’s what’s

Inside and

The actions and continued living

That are the benchmarks

Not only of now

But of all before and

After.

So before I get

Off on a tangent

And you get annoyed

With apossible rant;

At the gate,

For it to open

It is like a heart,

Solid and hollow

Life following through

And for you to proceed

The flower of your heart

Will open

To all that life

Offers

From the many games

External and internal

In pursuit of refining

The heavenly art

Of living

Upon this earth.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ANGUISHFeb/01

In loneliness

Solitude.

Yet the sound

Is so

Deafening

Want to run and hide

From the

Sheer magnitude

of nothing

I’ve been afraid of

Nothing for so fucking

Long

Try to smother it

With everything

Drown it out

From the inside.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

STONE HEARTApr/01

I want to destroy something

Beautiful.

And wont’ stop until I do.

I seethe

Loathe

Ooze.

A morbid vision

Seeking destruction

And devastation

Envious jealousy

Vindication and redemption

At an expense

Torn between

Ripped right through.

There is a bitterness

Evasive and elusive

That courses through

My veins

Unchecked

Uncontrolled

Ripped right out

Tidal pain

Pounds the cement

Shatters against the rigor

Of a stone heart.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DARK KNITE2000

A reoccurring them

Invisible scene

Lost somewhere

In the totality

Of empty being.

Subtle insinuations

Minute tremors

Knocking at the gates

Screaming for freedom

And resolution

Seeking and searching

For answers

To inarticulations

Out of scope

Renounced hope

On hands and knees

Groping.

Is there such a thing

As constructive criticism

No way

Defenses surge

Can you tell someone that

They’re your problem

And solution

Past, present and future.

Understanding comprehension

Without infusing a situation

Defusing a bomb

That’s buried

Is it a mountain

Or a molehill

This abstraction

Causing such distraction?

Can’t see it,

Can’t touch it

Can’t hit it

Can’t annihilate it

Yet it courses

Thru my veins

Swirling, twirling, curling

Metastasizing

At break neck speed.

Physical pain,

I can quarantine,

This emotional, psychosocial

Shit,

Keeps rearing its ugly

Serpentine

Invisible head.

All the doctors

All the books

Wise words

Remedial potions

None of this

Effectual

Piss it all away.

East, west

Everything in between

Philosophies, disciplines

Beliefs and faiths

Cannot stand

In the face

Of this space

The unseen

Greater force

Then the stampede

Of a thousand wild horse.

The answer lies within

Sin sin sin

Original and cardinal

No temple

Or mosque

Will save me

From these powers

Karma, Sufi, sage

Scriptures

Page after page,

All emptiness that fuels

My rage.

Effortful effortlessness

Swinging, singing, ringing,

Surging, purging, expressional urging

Converging.

Roadblock.Dead end.

How much time will

I spend

Unable to talk.

Answers lie within.

That’s a fucking crock.

I’m paralyzed in here.

So far in

Can’t begin

No end in sight

No rest at night

Or in daylight

My eyes are open

Staring into space

Straining, squinting

To see these answers that

Lie with

Me

So called resolution

That’s making me fucking

Blind.

Faceless solutions.

I’ll force it out

Seems like it wants

To invert

Cant’ get it out

Reverse implosion

Not explosion

Not combustion

Far from spontaneous

Drag out a

Fermenting carcass.

The battlefield my corpse

Smoldering from the effects

Of ineptitude.

Go back to my roots

Unbelievable boots

That’s what I’ve been

Running from

Sick and twisted

Involuntarily enlisted

Fate

It’s got to come

Full circle,

But I’m square.

Does anyone knowingly

Subject themselves?

Ignorance is bliss

Until you come

To this

Horrid memories of a first kiss

Be careful what’s wished

Cause if it can’t be taken

Don’t dish.

It can’t be taken away

Nor can it be given back

Son of a bitch.

This is a major neurological glitch

manifesting in a

Full-bodied itch.

Relief causes pain

Self-perpetuating game

Absolutely zero gain

Driving me insane

Sit still

Do what it will

Submission

Can’t effect, nor guide

Have to sit back

In this uncomfortable ride

And see where the tide

Breaks

Wave by wave

Am I further out to see

Or have I reached

The shore?

Is it not lost

One way or another?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

rant I

hey hey hey

what do you say

hey hey hey

come out and play

hey hey hey

cliche

hey hey hey

don’t fuck with

what’s in here

what’s in my head

whipped in fear

can’t see clear

what was said

dead end.

talk to me like i’m a fool

dumb as fuck

just a tool

hey hey hey

what do you say

same shit

different day

everyday

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