Hard Ships
March 31, 2017

Today is an onslaught
In my intimasea
Wave after wave
Crashing against my port
Starboard
No respite
Pity me not
For this is where
My own self pity
Will be absorbed
By the sea
Transmuted
By alchemy
Along with
My other unintentional
Ball and chains.
I’m no longer
Allowing myself
To be buffeted
And tossed about
Literally
Driving me insane.
As with all
Declarations
There is a
challenge
My hard ships
Perhaps larger than some
And smaller in stature
Than others
Have blockaded
Me for a long time
No anchor
No site to shore
I am diving in
To explore
Monomyth
Jonah’s tale,
Not sure if
Mine will be a whale.
Need a different
Approach
To what has kept me stale.
Navigate
With Aid of celestial stars
And pray to angels
Here and far
If I drown
I will go down
In my story
As leaving behind
All that no longer served me
In hopes
Of better lands
To be co created with my hands.
If I transcend
The perfect storm
Shine on
My true form
And light the way
Illuminate the day.
So in this intimasea
All turns of the
Captain’s wheel
Are done intentionally.

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Puppy Love
March 13, 2016

  
Where time stands still

And nothing else matters

Innocence 

And presence 

In the moment 

Talk for hours 

And it seems 

Like nothing

Effortless 

There were 

No fears 

No cares 

About what 

Other people 

Thought 

The first hurt

The first scar

Unable to 

Understand 

Return to innocence

So many years 

Later

With true love

Forgiveness 

And God’s guidance

From the

Dwelling home

Of 

The heart 

Puppy love

Unconditional 

Expression

To the world

In your hands

And 

Without

Guided by

Your soul

The 7 Year Itch   part4 – Innocence
February 22, 2016


Innocence

Perhaps I could use the term purity but it doesn’t quite fill the bill. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. What I’m trying to say is that there is this energy about the dog that finally reflected back at me with glaring clarity. It happened on an evening walk when my patience was thin and I was having a hard time dealing with his frenetic energy of course. He wants to sniff. A lot. Sometimes a bit too aggressively as he will yank my arm out of it’s socket to achieve his goal. Dog’s act a certain way. Mustang always will, no matter how much conditioning I attempt. It’s not that he’s making a mistake, or doing things on purpose, whatever he is doing is in his blood. When I react, and not usually in a positive fashion, he’ll look at me like, “What dad? What did I do ( insert wrong as the projected human perception of his action)? There is genuine innocence in his eyes. He’s clueless. Just because his behaviour is not in accordance with my expectation or desire, does not imply it’s wrong. Nor is it necessary to get mad or irritated.

This energy of innocence resonated with me. Perhaps it was how shit I feel for raising my voice at him or how I get angry so many times that finally pierced through my own wall. It brought to mind times as a child being scolded, yelled at or whatever the negative drama was, and my reaction of bewilderment, confusion or fear. Even if I hadn’t done anything wrong but was not acceptable by higher authority (parents, teachers, etc) the energetic impact took a toll. It wasn’t the erosion of my innocence, it was the encasing of it in a protective wall that took decades to finally begin to resurface.

His innocence reflected mine and I needed to get reacquainted with it. This understanding has not stopped. It has actually grown into a much larger concept that now allows me to feel a greater level of compassion, empathy and get a better grasp on the concept of forgiveness.

Thank you yet again Mr. Tang

Is it possible to be too vulnerable
February 11, 2016

  
The benefits of being in touch with your authentic self are all the rage. And that’s the problem. Rage. Short, unexpected outbursts . Nothing violent but an emotion so raw it catches me by surprise. Where did this come from? Is this really me ? After the work I’ve done to clean house it’s like I’ve done nothing and fly off the handle at petty, repetitive stuff that is not going to go away ( stupid inconsiderate drivers; change my dog’s continual refusal to listen to me on first command and his lolly gagging, take the long, distracted by fifty scents , route back to me when he eventually does respond ). 

Too vulnerable. Unable to absorb. Need protection , nurturing. Spread myself too thin. Trying to get in touch with my heart. Trust God yet I can’t quite feel this energy or I’m really good at blocking it out subconsciously even though I ask for its help and presence.  

Sometimes nurturing involves preservation. Although I’m healing (becoming whole) and learning new things, I have to remember that the process has left me exposed, like an open wound, and I require a gentle approach to dealing with myself. One of sensitive awareness that recognizes what the moment is asking for.

Snow play 
February 9, 2016

  
TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Hard to imagine that over the thousands of years a snowflake has never been duplicated. They all taste the same though, cold! I recently watched a movie where two characters stuck out their tongues in the midst of a snowstorm. I chuckled. Two adult characters behaving like kids. What possesses a kid to do this anyways? To try and catch snowflakes with their tongue? Even if there are multiple reasons, at the end of the day who cares? It’s play. It’s reckless abandon and spontaneous. Living in the moment. Something that we as adults, generally speaking, lose touch of. Myself for sure.  

SNOW SQUALL

This photo says a thousand words not heard but played out in my head and in action, literally, in like ten seconds. This is the second photo. The first one I took, I was way too serious. Trying to take the perfect picture while holding my iPhone with one hand and trying to catch snowflakes simultaneously. I judged myself in the picture and then made the effort to actually relax and try to remember what it was like being a kid. No care in the world other than thinking this is the coolest thing ever. I’m catching these snowflakes that are free falling from those big fluffy clouds all the way down to earth. If these snowflakes came in chocolate I’d never come inside.  

THAW

One of the thoughts going through my head is what would someone think if they saw me? Ironic how it’s acceptable for a kid to do but this isn’t really an adult acceptable action.  
The other thing that went through my head is that this really isn’t fun and I don’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. Then I got sad. How pathetic is that? What’s happened to me?

SNOW ANGELS

Brene Brown, a researcher that has spent some time exploring the concept of vulnerability and wholehearted living, states there are ten attributes of people who live authentically from the heart. Play is one of them. I definitely need more play in my life. Doesn’t mean I’m not authentic or living from the heart but as I’ve gotten older it seems easier to get lost in the worrisome cycle of non-fun dreariness. Thank God for big fluffy snowflakes and the grace to melt a frozen heart to enjoy the majesty of winter.  

Nature’s Insight – Great Blue Heron
April 16, 2015

Blue Heron

Word play deconstruction ahead:

First Word

insight – in(wards) sight to nature (my own).  Insight – a ‘gift’ (deeper understanding, liberation, etc),  insight – it, whatever it is, is within grasp (ironic within means inside ).

Second Word

Self – love.  Now love is not singularly definable from a being perspective.  What I mean is that when we are being..whatever it is in the moment, love comes in many colours.  Today’s was Great Blue Heron.

Great Blue Heron Symbolism

Self – determination.  Self – reliance.  These are attributes of self – love which I will elaborate on momentarily.

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The Little Kid Under the Bed
April 13, 2015

IMG_0487

When I was small I got spooked easily.  Watching the old Frankenstein or Dracula movies were enough to petrify me and I would hide and sleep under my parents bed.  The first few times I did, I had to sneak and do it because it was something my parents forbade me from doing.  It was tough as a little child to be sleeping downstairs on the main floor by myself while they and my sister slept upstairs in their rooms.  I never realized until this moment how this made me feel so alone and vulnerable.  Nor did I understand how it formed part of a pattern of stifling communication when I’m vulnerable because I won’t ask for help when I’m in this state because of the negative compliance implications (rejection) and due to the result of not fully understanding things from my parents perspective which was well meaning.  Today that little kid was peering out from underneath the bed in pretty dramatic fashion.

JUDGMENT DAY

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The Equalizer
April 11, 2015

unnamed copy

An equalizer can mean many things; sometimes it’s a reference to balancing things out, can be an instrument to make music sound better, ebb and flow in the sense that somedays are better than others or an interesting line in a movie that after some conversation sparks this post.

I’m blessed with some great things in my life and recently one of them has been to instruct and lead a meditation group at Anchored Social Club in Toronto.  This past Tuesday evening was another special evening shared with 7 great people.  During the discussion post-meditation, Ben Dussault, owner of the fitness club, presented the question of how to take the effects of the session into everyday living, like doing  “homework”.

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Every Breaking Wave part 1
March 31, 2015

unnamed

Been putting together a number of written pieces and the song by U2, especially their live version from European Music Awards – which is so passionate – has converged with and influenced a number of insights in my life.

The end result, something being integrated into my meditation workshops and will become part of an upcoming book / guide dedicated to self-love and awareness is the following  piece.

It could be a personal mantra, an awareness activator for prayer and introspection that I use and came to understand in my own exploration of esteem issues and everyday functioning.

 

You are loved
You are wanted
You are unique
You are welcomed
You are needed
You are appreciated
It is safe to love
It is safe to be loved
It is safe to be in love
Give yourself a big hug, in front of the mirror preferably 🙂
picture taken at Huntington Beach

The End and the Beginning – Part 4 of 4 in Cocooning, the end of Me series
January 13, 2015

Final dedication is at the end of the poem.

first beard selfie  second beard selfie

Never had a beard before and for some reason felt it was appropriate to this concept and process of cocooning.

Downward Inward Upward Outward Spiral

Home sweet ummm

Maybe not

Home,

T-dot

Is officially

Where I have

Resided

And it

Seems

That is going

To change (more…)