Exit Interview
May 20, 2017

This is not a poem as much as it is an expression that I needed to get off my chest.  Love has been something to me that has opened me up and continues to teach me so many lessons.  It is never ending and for the first time in my life I can say I am not sorry I loved someone and I’d do it all over again.  This might not be so positive upon initial perception but it is authentic.  I know love does not judge and I am passing judgment here.  I realize that love does not get attached to outcomes or have expectations.  So this exit interview  is an expression that was critical to me healing because immediately after I cleared this I felt the love in my heart flow through me again.  And one may debate why did I stay in a relationship (I did not initiate the break up) like this if I carried some of these resentments.  It’s because I focused on the positives in the person, I believed things would get better and I constantly attempted to be more of who I am becoming.  Most importantly I’m not perfect either and I believed love would conquer all, even in me.

Exit Interview

I was wrong – I believed love can conquer all – that a narcissist can over come their tendencies and learn how to truly love and be vulnerable and authentic as they wish the world would be with them, but you are not open to it as you think you are. There are cracks in your walls and love peaks through or barely gets in and possibly sometime in the future the walls will come crumbling down.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all your fears and being patient with you, staying by your side during your ugliness would demonstrate that you are worthy of love but your mind chose to ignore that and create a reality based on pain patterns and keep you trapped there regardless of what I would say because in the end as you have repeatedly told me, you only believe what you want to, hearing all this stuff that is not there even when I clearly state otherwise.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all and that you would recognize the freedom you always had in this relationship to do what you want, when you want. I never put conditions on you or prevented you or impeded you from doing anything. You don’t even remember the mantra i shared with you about what I was committed to fostering in this house when we moved in. Enjoy the freedom you wanted and have created now.

I was wrong to think love could conquer all and feel these things because so many times I saw changes in you that were encouraging and kept me going but your fashion or approach is never to actually jump in , you tread into the water and stop ankle deep at most.

I was wrong to think love would conquer all and you’d get over your fears about the future and your pains but you stay trapped inside your walls.

I wasnt wrong about love conquering all as much as I was wrong about you or my beliefs about you. I believed if someone like myself could change so much in a short period of time why couldn’t you? If I could dissolve my big fears why couldn’t you ? If I could commit and become more open and vulnerable, why couldn’t you? I held back on my emotions and sharing them with you after a while because of a child inside me that kept score, always asking myself why am I the one who always has to share/ start? Doesn’t matter you won’t get this because you only believe what you want to.

I was wrong to believe I could make a difference in your life, never once did I ever hear a statement of gratitude from you for anything or even heartfelt appreciation. Meaning I told you about how being with you taught me so much and was grateful for it but an equal admission from you is akin to failure on your part of being able to do things on your own.

The last two bday cards you gave me bring this back full circle- I am slowly breaking this habit of keeping score meaning I’ve done this, you’ve done or haven’t done this – the images on them or the nature of the card were indicative of caring and thought but the words were so robotic and demonstrate to me how hard it is for you to express your emotions. Your words were like form letters.

You say that inclusion into your life or having me do things with you was so important but you mocked / scolded me when I put pictures of us as on my phone home screen, or I had your picture attached to your phone number – a true sign of me changing because i never ever had pictures of anyone in my life on display anywhere. But you couldn’t appreciate that. If I had Facebook it would have been all over there too but I can only imagine your reaction to that. You placed a picture of yourself on your phone again exemplifying the ‘me first, you maybe third or fourth priority ‘ that I always felt. You always wanted me to go to things that you wanted and the one time I wanted you to come to a Thai cooking class it wasn’t important enough to you to change what you wanted to do. So I went alone.

TV
May 19, 2017

I used to
Call it
Boob tube
Something that
Makes your
Mind
Go numb
Ironically
In a rapid fire
Succession
It was the fifth
Thing
I noticed about
You,
Cleavage.
The first
Was your
Energy
The second
Was your
Voice
The third
Your smile.
The fourth
Your eyes
But this
All happened
So fast
That
Processing
It was like
A second.

Meaning
Takes on
Different
Significance
So much was
Done
Centred
Around
The TV
Based on
Sharing
Time together
Side by side
Arm in arm
In the company
Of an angel
And family.
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping.
Conversations
Of perception
Or events
Transpired
Brought
Together

Lose Your Illusion
May 13, 2017

 

All of them
I said you need your freedom
And you said thank you
But you don’t get it
This illusion you have
Is based on
Fear of commitment
Not me impeding your growth
You imply i hold you back
Or that i don’t allow you
To be you
And that was never the case
Nor is.
I was committing to
Nurturing our
Relationship
And if you don’t
See that
Or believe
That
That’s your issue
Not mine.
I’m the one
Who wrote
In my notes
In this house
I’m committed to fostering
Togetherness
Sharing
Openness
Honest Communication
Authenticity
Creativity
Self Determination/Independence and Interdependence
A healthy space to be
Nurturing one self”

As a mantra
Of being
But of course your don’t
Remember
Me sharing this with you
Either, do you?
You’re too blind
To see the love
That has shined on
You
You’re more in
Bondage by
The non acceptance
Of your shit
And chasing your tail.
You do deserve it
To hear this
Not because you’re
A bad person
This time I’m
The Yoga instructor
That told you
You’re not
A compassionate
Person
But I’m
Telling you
Way more about
Yourself
So yes I do
Need to say this
And you need to hear it
Because no one
Else is going to tell
This to you.
So it’s a gift
If you choose
To allow your
Perception
To see it for what it
Is
And not feed your
Old patterns,
Raise your
Awareness
As you did
With what
She said,
You are
Creating
A fair bit
Of this.
You want me
To give up
On you,
You think
Letting go
Of you is
The answer
I’m not holding
On to you
We are both
Free
Always have
Been
Always
Will be.
You think
Letting go is
A one time
Thing
It’s Can
Be an ordeal
Repeated over
And over
And over
Again
Until the lesson
And new pattern
Is learnt.

Snapped
May 13, 2017

IMG_2316

Snapped
Sway bar
Stabilizer
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Anger
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
Transmute
And
Know
For I did
Observe
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Either
Interesting
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
Enough,
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
Breaks
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Coverage
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
It
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
Expense
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van

Dancing With My Dark
April 22, 2017

My shadows

Seem to be a

Gnarly crew.

Are they the same

For you?

Pick the soft

Spots to

Hurt

And Grind

The gears?

Is its

Foundation

Fear?

Jealousy?

Self Pity?

Anger?

Darkness?

Resentment?

Pain?

Worth Issues?

What purpose

Do they serve?

I’ve decided to

Dance

With some,

It’s up close

Embrace

Face to face,

Or wallflower

Stand still,

Sometimes

Petulance

Defiant in

Their space

So I just

Stand in front

Of them

Follow

Their lead.

Honestly,

Don’t have

A clue

As to why

I still

Carry these.

But I do

Know

Now

That I can

Be

Happy

In their

Presents.

 

Embracing Vulnerability
April 7, 2017

IMG_0270

being vulnerable

Is Being

Or a part of

Being in the Unknown.

Being vulnerable

Means being

In the Unknown

And rewriting

What it is

To be vulnerable

Compared to

What we knew

Perhaps as a child

Or when we had no clue.

A gift from

This place of

Unknown vulnerability,

A warm embrace of self

Or knowing to trust vulnerability,

Or that vulnerability can be

Trusted.

Letting go

Of attachment to

Perceptions of outcome

And Expectation.

Vulnerability shows us

How to be

In the fire of love.

It can burn, may be singe

Or inflame

It can be warm

Illuminating, inspiring

All one in the same.

 

Twin Flame
April 5, 2017

IMG_1275

Watched two flames

In one candle

Dancing

Last night.

Incredible energy,

Both drawn

Together.

They bend and twist,

Turn and tilt,

Lean in, lean out

Fast, slow

Frenetic shaking

Followed by

Steady calm.

Trying to consume,

Capture, Fuse

Each other

While sharing

The same space.

So powerful and illuminating,

Attracted, repelled,

Too hot to handle,

Too cold to not

Come back

Together

In the center,

Both fuelled

By the unseen

Fluid air.

 

ps capture the minute meditation video – Candlelight – on nurtureurnature.ca tomorrow to see this brilliant dance

What I Loved About You Most
April 2, 2017

Not your smile
Or your laugh
Or the many ways
We had fun,
Creative or active,
Or the way
You would communicate
And calm things down
When i would get
Energized.
It wasn’t the
Surprise admiration
Inside
At some of the things
You would say.
What I found
Most attractive
And resonated
Immensely with the
Beauty of love
Was when you
Were asleep.
Soft,
Warm,
Defences down.
Peaceful
But most
Of all
Vulnerable.
You are most
Beautiful
In your
vulnerable self
And truth be
Told
I wish
I saw it
During the
Light
Of day.

The Little Kid Under the Bed
April 13, 2015

IMG_0487

When I was small I got spooked easily.  Watching the old Frankenstein or Dracula movies were enough to petrify me and I would hide and sleep under my parents bed.  The first few times I did, I had to sneak and do it because it was something my parents forbade me from doing.  It was tough as a little child to be sleeping downstairs on the main floor by myself while they and my sister slept upstairs in their rooms.  I never realized until this moment how this made me feel so alone and vulnerable.  Nor did I understand how it formed part of a pattern of stifling communication when I’m vulnerable because I won’t ask for help when I’m in this state because of the negative compliance implications (rejection) and due to the result of not fully understanding things from my parents perspective which was well meaning.  Today that little kid was peering out from underneath the bed in pretty dramatic fashion.

JUDGMENT DAY

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The Heart Chakra-ra-ra-ra – T he L onger V ersion
October 28, 2014

This is an actual dance I shared with someone

Done as a duo

But definitely a solo act as well

So personifying

The

Me

We

Symbology.

The poem follows

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