Reckoning
February 26, 2018

Maybe
I’ve been
Ignoring
Something
Or
Multiple
And the
Slow
Realization
Isn’t
Necessarily
Liberating
Nor is
It
Defeating
It just
Is
Like a smile
On my
Face
For no
Reason
Perhaps
Because
I get
More and more
Comfortable
With who
I am
Becoming
The shadows
Still
Dance
But I’m
Not in their trance
Anymore
The cliche
God has
Taken people
Out of your
Life
Although
You walked,
Not once
But twice
Neither time
Very nice,
To do
Me
A favour.
I always believed
A
Certain
Level
That
Was not physically
Present,
Being
Slightly
More awakened
Can be
Monumental
And
Detrimental
Sometimes
Both times
You walked
Away
From me
I’ve endured
Massive
Creative
Self
Expansion
And
Expression
Some
So painful
Brought to
My knees
Others
Standing
Tall
Arms outstretched
Becoming the
Magnificence
Of Trees.
I
Know
Who you
Are
And what
You are
Capable
Of
It’s just
Not there
For me
And that’s
Been
One thing
That’s been
So hard
To surrender
To,
Embrace
The
Nothingness
In front
Of my
Face
So much
Introspection
Not all
For you
It lingers
Less prominently
But it’s been
A full circle
In a year
How
Time
Flies
I’m glad
I purged
Pretty much
Everything to
Do with
You
Because
The memories
I have spent
Much energy
Keeping at bay
Their energy
Positive
And
Negative
Now
I know
Both
Treated
Equally
Surrounded
By
Light
And
Given
Away
Like
Butterflies
Floating
Towards
The blue
Skies
Double
Rainbow
Pot of gold
At each
End
Or perhaps
The same
Like
Dust
In the
Wind
The
Sands of
Time
Will
Blow
Into
Another
Rhyme.

Advertisements

Love’s Affinity
February 21, 2018

Love is relentless in its
Process of showing you
More and more and more
Of who you are
And who you become
Once you let some light in
To your life.
It is a soft breeze
Necessary
To assuage
All that
Has hardened
That use to be
Soft
Even in the face
Of self perpetuated
Resistance
It is gentle and kind
Warm and soft
Welcoming
Embracing
Comforting
Strengthening

 

I wanted to name this Relentless is Love, yet Love is…so there is a pull, love doesn’t come chasing you.  It’s inherent.  The more you awaken, like a slow rising sun at dawn…the energy washes over you.  Relentless is because of the resistance to it..it’s always there, yet resistance makes it seem like it’s a battle and the only battle is within oneself to fully open up to it.  At least this is how I feel presently.  My sun is continually rising so…stay tuned.

Glass House
February 14, 2018

I compiled a
Chapbook
Twenty years
Ago
Glass house
Well
I’m still in it
Except
Now
I have no
Problem
Throwing
Stones
My doors
And windows
Are wide open
I see
My reflection
In my
Imperfection
It gives
Me strength
To say
What I say
The glass house
Is truth
And evolving
In the currents
Of
Accountability
And
Responsibility
If the foundation
Or structure
Has a flaw
That’s ok
If I’m aware
Of it
And choose
To act
Or not
That’s ok
Eventually
Something will be
Done
It’s inevitable
Because this
Glass house
Shines
Within
And
Without
Surrounded by
Love
A power
I have
A difficulty
Articulating
In it’s
Ability
To
Transmute
The sands of time
Into something
So crystal
Clear
And
Luminous

Ground Zero
July 3, 2017

 

Full circle
Almost to the day
Built this
Frame
For us
To build
Together
A legacy
Only thing
Left now
Is
Ground
Zero
No one
But
Me
Did a
Ceremony
Which
I really
Didn’t
Want to
Ripped
A metaphorical
Hole in
My chest
Too
No joke
My aura
Was broke
Thank God
For
Self Love
In the form
Of Reiki
Symbols
To
Revitalize
Myself
There is
So much
I don’t
Understand
What more
Am I supposed
To learn
Because
It’s been
An onslaught
Blow by blow
No after no

Forever One
May 21, 2017

Ohio plates
Repeatedly
Notre Dame
Another Clue
On the plates,
Ties in to
Paris
Past lives
Regression
Suppression
Karma
New Understanding
Different view.
Monk and nun
Cards
900 years ago
Medieval era
Love story
Ahead of its
Time,
Drawn together
Seeking deeper
Insight
Many years apart,
In age,
And after tragedy,
Castration, betrayal and
Isolation.
An only child
They had,
She was forced
To give up
Suffering at the
Hands of
Ludicrous convention
And worry,
Relative to the mores
Of their time.
Deep passionate
Yearning,
Love letters span
A lifetime with
Sporadic interaction.
Reunited in death
Bed by bed
Side by side
Forever one.

Exit Interview
May 20, 2017

This is not a poem as much as it is an expression that I needed to get off my chest.  Love has been something to me that has opened me up and continues to teach me so many lessons.  It is never ending and for the first time in my life I can say I am not sorry I loved someone and I’d do it all over again.  This might not be so positive upon initial perception but it is authentic.  I know love does not judge and I am passing judgment here.  I realize that love does not get attached to outcomes or have expectations.  So this exit interview  is an expression that was critical to me healing because immediately after I cleared this I felt the love in my heart flow through me again.  And one may debate why did I stay in a relationship (I did not initiate the break up) like this if I carried some of these resentments.  It’s because I focused on the positives in the person, I believed things would get better and I constantly attempted to be more of who I am becoming.  Most importantly I’m not perfect either and I believed love would conquer all, even in me.

Exit Interview

I was wrong – I believed love can conquer all – that a narcissist can over come their tendencies and learn how to truly love and be vulnerable and authentic as they wish the world would be with them, but you are not open to it as you think you are. There are cracks in your walls and love peaks through or barely gets in and possibly sometime in the future the walls will come crumbling down.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all your fears and being patient with you, staying by your side during your ugliness would demonstrate that you are worthy of love but your mind chose to ignore that and create a reality based on pain patterns and keep you trapped there regardless of what I would say because in the end as you have repeatedly told me, you only believe what you want to, hearing all this stuff that is not there even when I clearly state otherwise.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all and that you would recognize the freedom you always had in this relationship to do what you want, when you want. I never put conditions on you or prevented you or impeded you from doing anything. You don’t even remember the mantra i shared with you about what I was committed to fostering in this house when we moved in. Enjoy the freedom you wanted and have created now.

I was wrong to think love could conquer all and feel these things because so many times I saw changes in you that were encouraging and kept me going but your fashion or approach is never to actually jump in , you tread into the water and stop ankle deep at most.

I was wrong to think love would conquer all and you’d get over your fears about the future and your pains but you stay trapped inside your walls.

I wasnt wrong about love conquering all as much as I was wrong about you or my beliefs about you. I believed if someone like myself could change so much in a short period of time why couldn’t you? If I could dissolve my big fears why couldn’t you ? If I could commit and become more open and vulnerable, why couldn’t you? I held back on my emotions and sharing them with you after a while because of a child inside me that kept score, always asking myself why am I the one who always has to share/ start? Doesn’t matter you won’t get this because you only believe what you want to.

I was wrong to believe I could make a difference in your life, never once did I ever hear a statement of gratitude from you for anything or even heartfelt appreciation. Meaning I told you about how being with you taught me so much and was grateful for it but an equal admission from you is akin to failure on your part of being able to do things on your own.

The last two bday cards you gave me bring this back full circle- I am slowly breaking this habit of keeping score meaning I’ve done this, you’ve done or haven’t done this – the images on them or the nature of the card were indicative of caring and thought but the words were so robotic and demonstrate to me how hard it is for you to express your emotions. Your words were like form letters.

You say that inclusion into your life or having me do things with you was so important but you mocked / scolded me when I put pictures of us as on my phone home screen, or I had your picture attached to your phone number – a true sign of me changing because i never ever had pictures of anyone in my life on display anywhere. But you couldn’t appreciate that. If I had Facebook it would have been all over there too but I can only imagine your reaction to that. You placed a picture of yourself on your phone again exemplifying the ‘me first, you maybe third or fourth priority ‘ that I always felt. You always wanted me to go to things that you wanted and the one time I wanted you to come to a Thai cooking class it wasn’t important enough to you to change what you wanted to do. So I went alone.

TV
May 19, 2017

I used to
Call it
Boob tube
Something that
Makes your
Mind
Go numb
Ironically
In a rapid fire
Succession
It was the fifth
Thing
I noticed about
You,
Cleavage.
The first
Was your
Energy
The second
Was your
Voice
The third
Your smile.
The fourth
Your eyes
But this
All happened
So fast
That
Processing
It was like
A second.

Meaning
Takes on
Different
Significance
So much was
Done
Centred
Around
The TV
Based on
Sharing
Time together
Side by side
Arm in arm
In the company
Of an angel
And family.
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping.
Conversations
Of perception
Or events
Transpired
Brought
Together

A Testament to Myself
May 15, 2017

I am worth
The effort
The pain
The hurt
The risk
The anxiety
The struggle
The fear.
I am worth
The effort
To sit in
And be with
And go through
The hellfire of
Of it.
I am worth
Living for
And dying for.
My worth is
Inherent.
I’m willing
And glad
To be
Submitting
To my true
Self.
To evolve
To be
Who am I
Which is
A sparkle
In the
Shine
Of Divine
Light.

Lose Your Illusion
May 13, 2017

 

All of them
I said you need your freedom
And you said thank you
But you don’t get it
This illusion you have
Is based on
Fear of commitment
Not me impeding your growth
You imply i hold you back
Or that i don’t allow you
To be you
And that was never the case
Nor is.
I was committing to
Nurturing our
Relationship
And if you don’t
See that
Or believe
That
That’s your issue
Not mine.
I’m the one
Who wrote
In my notes
In this house
I’m committed to fostering
Togetherness
Sharing
Openness
Honest Communication
Authenticity
Creativity
Self Determination/Independence and Interdependence
A healthy space to be
Nurturing one self”

As a mantra
Of being
But of course your don’t
Remember
Me sharing this with you
Either, do you?
You’re too blind
To see the love
That has shined on
You
You’re more in
Bondage by
The non acceptance
Of your shit
And chasing your tail.
You do deserve it
To hear this
Not because you’re
A bad person
This time I’m
The Yoga instructor
That told you
You’re not
A compassionate
Person
But I’m
Telling you
Way more about
Yourself
So yes I do
Need to say this
And you need to hear it
Because no one
Else is going to tell
This to you.
So it’s a gift
If you choose
To allow your
Perception
To see it for what it
Is
And not feed your
Old patterns,
Raise your
Awareness
As you did
With what
She said,
You are
Creating
A fair bit
Of this.
You want me
To give up
On you,
You think
Letting go
Of you is
The answer
I’m not holding
On to you
We are both
Free
Always have
Been
Always
Will be.
You think
Letting go is
A one time
Thing
It’s Can
Be an ordeal
Repeated over
And over
And over
Again
Until the lesson
And new pattern
Is learnt.

Snapped
May 13, 2017

IMG_2316

Snapped
Sway bar
Stabilizer
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Anger
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
Transmute
And
Know
For I did
Observe
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Either
Interesting
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
Enough,
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
Breaks
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Coverage
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
It
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
Expense
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van