Ground Zero
July 3, 2017

 

Full circle
Almost to the day
Built this
Frame
For us
To build
Together
A legacy
Only thing
Left now
Is
Ground
Zero
No one
But
Me
Did a
Ceremony
Which
I really
Didn’t
Want to
Ripped
A metaphorical
Hole in
My chest
Too
No joke
My aura
Was broke
Thank God
For
Self Love
In the form
Of Reiki
Symbols
To
Revitalize
Myself
There is
So much
I don’t
Understand
What more
Am I supposed
To learn
Because
It’s been
An onslaught
Blow by blow
No after no

Forever One
May 21, 2017

Ohio plates
Repeatedly
Notre Dame
Another Clue
On the plates,
Ties in to
Paris
Past lives
Regression
Suppression
Karma
New Understanding
Different view.
Monk and nun
Cards
900 years ago
Medieval era
Love story
Ahead of its
Time,
Drawn together
Seeking deeper
Insight
Many years apart,
In age,
And after tragedy,
Castration, betrayal and
Isolation.
An only child
They had,
She was forced
To give up
Suffering at the
Hands of
Ludicrous convention
And worry,
Relative to the mores
Of their time.
Deep passionate
Yearning,
Love letters span
A lifetime with
Sporadic interaction.
Reunited in death
Bed by bed
Side by side
Forever one.

Exit Interview
May 20, 2017

This is not a poem as much as it is an expression that I needed to get off my chest.  Love has been something to me that has opened me up and continues to teach me so many lessons.  It is never ending and for the first time in my life I can say I am not sorry I loved someone and I’d do it all over again.  This might not be so positive upon initial perception but it is authentic.  I know love does not judge and I am passing judgment here.  I realize that love does not get attached to outcomes or have expectations.  So this exit interview  is an expression that was critical to me healing because immediately after I cleared this I felt the love in my heart flow through me again.  And one may debate why did I stay in a relationship (I did not initiate the break up) like this if I carried some of these resentments.  It’s because I focused on the positives in the person, I believed things would get better and I constantly attempted to be more of who I am becoming.  Most importantly I’m not perfect either and I believed love would conquer all, even in me.

Exit Interview

I was wrong – I believed love can conquer all – that a narcissist can over come their tendencies and learn how to truly love and be vulnerable and authentic as they wish the world would be with them, but you are not open to it as you think you are. There are cracks in your walls and love peaks through or barely gets in and possibly sometime in the future the walls will come crumbling down.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all your fears and being patient with you, staying by your side during your ugliness would demonstrate that you are worthy of love but your mind chose to ignore that and create a reality based on pain patterns and keep you trapped there regardless of what I would say because in the end as you have repeatedly told me, you only believe what you want to, hearing all this stuff that is not there even when I clearly state otherwise.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all and that you would recognize the freedom you always had in this relationship to do what you want, when you want. I never put conditions on you or prevented you or impeded you from doing anything. You don’t even remember the mantra i shared with you about what I was committed to fostering in this house when we moved in. Enjoy the freedom you wanted and have created now.

I was wrong to think love could conquer all and feel these things because so many times I saw changes in you that were encouraging and kept me going but your fashion or approach is never to actually jump in , you tread into the water and stop ankle deep at most.

I was wrong to think love would conquer all and you’d get over your fears about the future and your pains but you stay trapped inside your walls.

I wasnt wrong about love conquering all as much as I was wrong about you or my beliefs about you. I believed if someone like myself could change so much in a short period of time why couldn’t you? If I could dissolve my big fears why couldn’t you ? If I could commit and become more open and vulnerable, why couldn’t you? I held back on my emotions and sharing them with you after a while because of a child inside me that kept score, always asking myself why am I the one who always has to share/ start? Doesn’t matter you won’t get this because you only believe what you want to.

I was wrong to believe I could make a difference in your life, never once did I ever hear a statement of gratitude from you for anything or even heartfelt appreciation. Meaning I told you about how being with you taught me so much and was grateful for it but an equal admission from you is akin to failure on your part of being able to do things on your own.

The last two bday cards you gave me bring this back full circle- I am slowly breaking this habit of keeping score meaning I’ve done this, you’ve done or haven’t done this – the images on them or the nature of the card were indicative of caring and thought but the words were so robotic and demonstrate to me how hard it is for you to express your emotions. Your words were like form letters.

You say that inclusion into your life or having me do things with you was so important but you mocked / scolded me when I put pictures of us as on my phone home screen, or I had your picture attached to your phone number – a true sign of me changing because i never ever had pictures of anyone in my life on display anywhere. But you couldn’t appreciate that. If I had Facebook it would have been all over there too but I can only imagine your reaction to that. You placed a picture of yourself on your phone again exemplifying the ‘me first, you maybe third or fourth priority ‘ that I always felt. You always wanted me to go to things that you wanted and the one time I wanted you to come to a Thai cooking class it wasn’t important enough to you to change what you wanted to do. So I went alone.

TV
May 19, 2017

I used to
Call it
Boob tube
Something that
Makes your
Mind
Go numb
Ironically
In a rapid fire
Succession
It was the fifth
Thing
I noticed about
You,
Cleavage.
The first
Was your
Energy
The second
Was your
Voice
The third
Your smile.
The fourth
Your eyes
But this
All happened
So fast
That
Processing
It was like
A second.

Meaning
Takes on
Different
Significance
So much was
Done
Centred
Around
The TV
Based on
Sharing
Time together
Side by side
Arm in arm
In the company
Of an angel
And family.
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping.
Conversations
Of perception
Or events
Transpired
Brought
Together

Snapped
May 13, 2017

IMG_2316

Snapped
Sway bar
Stabilizer
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Anger
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
Transmute
And
Know
For I did
Observe
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Either
Interesting
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
Enough,
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
Breaks
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Coverage
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
It
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
Expense
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van

Dancing With My Dark
April 22, 2017

My shadows

Seem to be a

Gnarly crew.

Are they the same

For you?

Pick the soft

Spots to

Hurt

And Grind

The gears?

Is its

Foundation

Fear?

Jealousy?

Self Pity?

Anger?

Darkness?

Resentment?

Pain?

Worth Issues?

What purpose

Do they serve?

I’ve decided to

Dance

With some,

It’s up close

Embrace

Face to face,

Or wallflower

Stand still,

Sometimes

Petulance

Defiant in

Their space

So I just

Stand in front

Of them

Follow

Their lead.

Honestly,

Don’t have

A clue

As to why

I still

Carry these.

But I do

Know

Now

That I can

Be

Happy

In their

Presents.

 

What Would I do Without You
April 10, 2017

IMG_0084

I don’t know
What I would do without you,
Wallow in self pity
Build larger walls of resentment
Watch my anger fester
And sorrow grow?
And never really
Know
What it is
To love?
I’m still coming
To terms
With
Who You are
Or What you are
And
Dear God
Or Gaia
Or Both
I truly would
Have no
Strength
If it wasn’t
For the guidance
You give
And the Light
You provide.
One day
If I’m so blessed
To meet you
Divinity
Personified
I will look
To the skies,
Raise my arms
And then kneel
To kiss the ground
For my wishes
Come True

Twin Flame
April 5, 2017

IMG_1275

Watched two flames

In one candle

Dancing

Last night.

Incredible energy,

Both drawn

Together.

They bend and twist,

Turn and tilt,

Lean in, lean out

Fast, slow

Frenetic shaking

Followed by

Steady calm.

Trying to consume,

Capture, Fuse

Each other

While sharing

The same space.

So powerful and illuminating,

Attracted, repelled,

Too hot to handle,

Too cold to not

Come back

Together

In the center,

Both fuelled

By the unseen

Fluid air.

 

ps capture the minute meditation video – Candlelight – on nurtureurnature.ca tomorrow to see this brilliant dance

Toy Story
April 1, 2017

Lucas
Toy Story
Inspired
By a child’s
Buried Toys
In the Arena
Of men being boys.
Needed help
To find something
He buried
And lost
But his pops
Was busy
I avoided
But my
Sympathy
Got the
Better of Me
On my knees
Digging in the dirt
With this tyke
Shortly after
Recovering
His Stuff
That’s part one
Of the Loop
In conversation
The other day
I said i was
Afraid of
Children
Scroll to the top
And you can see
I initially avoided
Part two of
The loop
Green shirt
Design caught
My eye
One word specifically
‘Maya’
Once wrote a poem
About the concept
Of Maya
Divine Illusion
I was pacing
After the toy rescue
And it dawned on me
Hard
My fear is an illusion
Created by me
In an instant
Flooded with joy
Energy
From my crown
Shock-ra
Part three of
The Loop
That morning prior
To this scene
I woke up
At 5am
Writing
About embracing
Honouring
Respecting
The Divine Feminine
Energy within
Me
This is not
A
Coincidence
And it
Is
If you know what
I mean
Since the toy
Rescue
I have been
In a mood
Unseen
For a while
Joy

Two Trees
March 29, 2017

IMG_1895

I waited for you to
Rescue me
Role reversal
The feminine hero
Heroine
My Dope
Recently all I do is mope
Do you know what
It feels like to
Be despondent
Hopeless, Helpless
Crying out for help
And hating it simultaneously?
Closing off
Myself
Lately I have been
Semi authentic
In my heavenly
Pleas
Help
Me
Please..
Why..
Why not…
I got my Wake up
Call
No Doubt

I was afraid to rock the boat
Then it became stuck in a moat
Afraid to trigger
And lost my inner navigator
Enabling in a different way
And I’m the receiving end
This time.
I became afraid of losing you
If I was me,
You liked the newer me
Attracted
But still repelled by
Possibility
To fall back
My mitigating
Only instigating

Don’t call me in
The Fall
When all your
Summer flings
With persons or things
Leave you
Still feeling
Empty inside
Missing
SoMEthing