Glass House February 14, 2018

I compiled a
Chapbook
Twenty years
Ago
Glass house
Well
I’m still in it
Except
Now
I have no
Problem
Throwing
Stones
My doors
And windows
Are wide open
I see
My reflection
In my
Imperfection
It gives
Me strength
To say
What I say
The glass house
Is truth
And evolving
In the currents
Of
Accountability
And
Responsibility
If the foundation
Or structure
Has a flaw
That’s ok
If I’m aware
Of it
And choose
To act
Or not
That’s ok
Eventually
Something will be
Done
It’s inevitable
Because this
Glass house
Shines
Within
And
Without
Surrounded by
Love
A power
I have
A difficulty
Articulating
In it’s
Ability
To
Transmute
The sands of time
Into something
So crystal
Clear
And
Luminous

Forever One May 21, 2017

Ohio plates
Repeatedly
Notre Dame
Another Clue
On the plates,
Ties in to
Paris
Past lives
Regression
Suppression
Karma
New Understanding
Different view.
Monk and nun
Cards
900 years ago
Medieval era
Love story
Ahead of its
Time,
Drawn together
Seeking deeper
Insight
Many years apart,
In age,
And after tragedy,
Castration, betrayal and
Isolation.
An only child
They had,
She was forced
To give up
Suffering at the
Hands of
Ludicrous convention
And worry,
Relative to the mores
Of their time.
Deep passionate
Yearning,
Love letters span
A lifetime with
Sporadic interaction.
Reunited in death
Bed by bed
Side by side
Forever one.

Exit Interview May 20, 2017

This is not a poem as much as it is an expression that I needed to get off my chest.  Love has been something to me that has opened me up and continues to teach me so many lessons.  It is never ending and for the first time in my life I can say I am not sorry I loved someone and I’d do it all over again.  This might not be so positive upon initial perception but it is authentic.  I know love does not judge and I am passing judgment here.  I realize that love does not get attached to outcomes or have expectations.  So this exit interview  is an expression that was critical to me healing because immediately after I cleared this I felt the love in my heart flow through me again.  And one may debate why did I stay in a relationship (I did not initiate the break up) like this if I carried some of these resentments.  It’s because I focused on the positives in the person, I believed things would get better and I constantly attempted to be more of who I am becoming.  Most importantly I’m not perfect either and I believed love would conquer all, even in me.

Exit Interview

I was wrong – I believed love can conquer all – that a narcissist can over come their tendencies and learn how to truly love and be vulnerable and authentic as they wish the world would be with them, but you are not open to it as you think you are. There are cracks in your walls and love peaks through or barely gets in and possibly sometime in the future the walls will come crumbling down.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all your fears and being patient with you, staying by your side during your ugliness would demonstrate that you are worthy of love but your mind chose to ignore that and create a reality based on pain patterns and keep you trapped there regardless of what I would say because in the end as you have repeatedly told me, you only believe what you want to, hearing all this stuff that is not there even when I clearly state otherwise.

I was wrong to think love can conquer all and that you would recognize the freedom you always had in this relationship to do what you want, when you want. I never put conditions on you or prevented you or impeded you from doing anything. You don’t even remember the mantra i shared with you about what I was committed to fostering in this house when we moved in. Enjoy the freedom you wanted and have created now.

I was wrong to think love could conquer all and feel these things because so many times I saw changes in you that were encouraging and kept me going but your fashion or approach is never to actually jump in , you tread into the water and stop ankle deep at most.

I was wrong to think love would conquer all and you’d get over your fears about the future and your pains but you stay trapped inside your walls.

I wasnt wrong about love conquering all as much as I was wrong about you or my beliefs about you. I believed if someone like myself could change so much in a short period of time why couldn’t you? If I could dissolve my big fears why couldn’t you ? If I could commit and become more open and vulnerable, why couldn’t you? I held back on my emotions and sharing them with you after a while because of a child inside me that kept score, always asking myself why am I the one who always has to share/ start? Doesn’t matter you won’t get this because you only believe what you want to.

I was wrong to believe I could make a difference in your life, never once did I ever hear a statement of gratitude from you for anything or even heartfelt appreciation. Meaning I told you about how being with you taught me so much and was grateful for it but an equal admission from you is akin to failure on your part of being able to do things on your own.

The last two bday cards you gave me bring this back full circle- I am slowly breaking this habit of keeping score meaning I’ve done this, you’ve done or haven’t done this – the images on them or the nature of the card were indicative of caring and thought but the words were so robotic and demonstrate to me how hard it is for you to express your emotions. Your words were like form letters.

You say that inclusion into your life or having me do things with you was so important but you mocked / scolded me when I put pictures of us as on my phone home screen, or I had your picture attached to your phone number – a true sign of me changing because i never ever had pictures of anyone in my life on display anywhere. But you couldn’t appreciate that. If I had Facebook it would have been all over there too but I can only imagine your reaction to that. You placed a picture of yourself on your phone again exemplifying the ‘me first, you maybe third or fourth priority ‘ that I always felt. You always wanted me to go to things that you wanted and the one time I wanted you to come to a Thai cooking class it wasn’t important enough to you to change what you wanted to do. So I went alone.

TV May 19, 2017

I used to
Call it
Boob tube
Something that
Makes your
Mind
Go numb
Ironically
In a rapid fire
Succession
It was the fifth
Thing
I noticed about
You,
Cleavage.
The first
Was your
Energy
The second
Was your
Voice
The third
Your smile.
The fourth
Your eyes
But this
All happened
So fast
That
Processing
It was like
A second.

Meaning
Takes on
Different
Significance
So much was
Done
Centred
Around
The TV
Based on
Sharing
Time together
Side by side
Arm in arm
In the company
Of an angel
And family.
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping.
Conversations
Of perception
Or events
Transpired
Brought
Together

Emotional Communion May 13, 2017

For the first time
You actually said you’re
Sorry
And meant it
For the first time
You actually felt an iota
Of what I’ve felt for
A long long time
Hurt and pain
For the first time
A glimpse behind
The wall of protection
That keeps your hurt
Inside
A painful connection
The one that
Keeps you emotionally
Disconnected
You now know
What it feels like
Face to face
With it all
The ice queen
Behind the wall

Lose Your Illusion May 13, 2017

 

All of them
I said you need your freedom
And you said thank you
But you don’t get it
This illusion you have
Is based on
Fear of commitment
Not me impeding your growth
You imply i hold you back
Or that i don’t allow you
To be you
And that was never the case
Nor is.
I was committing to
Nurturing our
Relationship
And if you don’t
See that
Or believe
That
That’s your issue
Not mine.
I’m the one
Who wrote
In my notes
‘In this house
I’m committed to fostering
Togetherness
Sharing
Openness
Honest Communication
Authenticity
Creativity
Self Determination/Independence and Interdependence
A healthy space to be
Nurturing one self”
As a mantra
Of being
But of course your don’t
Remember
Me sharing this with you
Either, do you?
You’re too blind
To see the love
That has shined on
You
You’re more in
Bondage by
The non acceptance
Of your shit
And chasing your tail.
You do deserve it
To hear this
Not because you’re
A bad person
This time I’m
The Yoga instructor
That told you
You’re not
A compassionate
Person
But I’m
Telling you
Way more about
Yourself
So yes I do
Need to say this
And you need to hear it
Because no one
Else is going to tell
This to you.
So it’s a gift
If you choose
To allow your
Perception
To see it for what it
Is
And not feed your
Old patterns,
Raise your
Awareness
As you did
With what
She said,
You are
Creating
A fair bit
Of this.
You want me
To give up
On you,
You think
Letting go
Of you is
The answer
I’m not holding
On to you
We are both
Free
Always have
Been
Always
Will be.
You think
Letting go is
A one time
Thing
It’s Can
Be an ordeal
Repeated over
And over
And over
Again
Until the lesson
And new pattern
Is learnt.

Bleed and Let it Bleed For This May 13, 2017

 

 

 

Thank you
For the transference
Of your infantile
Ways,
Paying lip service
To notions
You only scratch
The surface on
And carelessly
Disregard,
No concept of
Value at all.
Me me me
My my my
I want I want I want
I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want
Like this is
New
It’s not
It’s a replay
Meant as reminder
That you’re not getting
Because
There are some things
That you don’t want
To get your way
All the time
For
Because
They will be lessons
That you will abhor,
And break you down
The thicker the
Skull
The harder
The force
Required to penetrate
It.
So as a mirror
Of resistance
And rejection
My ode to you,
Gratitude for
Right royally pissing
Me off
No worries
About what you
Don’t want
I’m used to it
With your
Self absorbed
Center of the only-verse
There is
In existence.
Nothing like
A person with
Narcissistic patterns
Entangled in
Self-help.
Blinders on
But not for
Focus
More so
To not see
Past their no’s(e).
It’s like a vicious circle
And definitely not
A good infinity loop.
It’s like feeding
A narc
To an addict,
Already self-absorbed
And now a
Reason to get even
More self absorbed.
Black hole
But there
Is a
Light
In that
Vortex
On the other side.
I’ll get to the point
I’d rather be
Right
Than
Wrong
For all the right
Reasons
Which would be
Dialing in
And heeding the
Inherent universal
Truths
That are all
Blatantly in our
Faces
If we choose
To listen.
Nothing like
Finally
Letting go
Of a nagging
Dead weight
Since I’ve
Known you
There has been
This reoccurring
Theme
It’s wrong to
Be right
To suit your
Fucking ways,
Drag me
Down
To your
Inferiority issues.
Which are the
Same
Dead weight
Nagging you,
Let it fucking go
This is what we’re
Here for
Unconditional love
I, for the first
Time in my life
On a walk with my dog
Love and appreciate myself
For being right.
Since I was a kid
I’ve been told
It’s been bad to
Always be right
But as the Joker
Said to the Bat
“You made me”
Are we not
Conditioned
To get it right?
Can’t be wrong,
Can’t make a mistake?
Get good grades,
Be perfect,
Which means we can’t
Be wrong
It’s a sign of
Lack of whatever
The fuck you want it
To be
Intelligence, smarts,
Approval, acceptance
And so on.
So if I’m right,
Winner,
But it means
Loser
It this duality
And opposition
Versus
Let’s all learn
From this
Help each
Other see
The way
Instead of
Perpetuating
Shit.
I rather
Applaud
The effort that
Goes into getting
It right
Than self sabotage
And quitting
Or giving up.
Bleed for this,
And let the blood
Run dry
Feel your heart
Explode
Into a million tiny
Fragments
Only like
A superhero
Movie graphic
It comes back
Together,
To life
Stronger
And stronger
And stronger
With every
Powerful
Heart beat.
Driven by
An innate
Guide,
Love.
Made in
God’s
Image
And this is
The unification
Of masculine
And feminine
Divinity
Embracing
And
Erasing
New for old
So we
Transmute
Earth
Into
Heart
(Same letters form the two words and the solution to all the problems we have is embedded in the word in three letters – ear, meaning listen to your heart, which is an art, of love and expression)

This poem is inspired by a couple things that are synchronous, happening one after the other, not right away but in a sequence to set this realization up. One element is being triggered by a certain someone, the other is the perfect emotional storm inside that has been churning to teach me, aside from the most important thing, unconditional love, emotional independence. The last element is the last scene in the movie Bleed For This where the reporter interviews the main character and asks ‘what’s the biggest lie you were told’. As a side note, there’s another great line in that movie by said main character, “it’s easy to give up”. Authenticity and living vulnerable is not about paying lip service and blowing hot air, as Brene Brown states, it’s about showing up in the arena and taking your hits…probably knowing your’e going to take them too…and still come back, stand up or get back up. The sad part is that we have to spend so much time, or some of us do, spending so much energy in our short lives pursuing all the wrong things that seem right at the time only to have to spend more time undoing and dealing with the internal and possibly external collateral damage caused by it. If i had or have a dream/wish it would be to thank those that have come before me and will come after me as we reshape this world one by one, person by person, on an individual level and energetic level, to make life more peaceful and loving so that others don’t have to endure. We don’t need pain in our lives. We don’t need tragedy to awaken our hearts. We need to relearn or be taught what it means to be who we are, not what we are. And being right is not who we are, it’s what we are, it’s a circumstance. We are love and light with so much stuff to clear to get back to innocence in the Garden of Heaven here on Earth.

Snapped May 13, 2017

Snapped
Sway bar
Stabilizer
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Anger
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
Transmute
And
Know
For I did
Observe
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Either
Interesting
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
Enough,
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
Breaks
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Coverage
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
It
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
Expense
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van

Dancing With My Dark April 22, 2017

My shadows

Seem to be a

Gnarly crew.

Are they the same

For you?

Pick the soft

Spots to

Hurt

And Grind

The gears?

Is its

Foundation

Fear?

Jealousy?

Self Pity?

Anger?

Darkness?

Resentment?

Pain?

Worth Issues?

What purpose

Do they serve?

I’ve decided to

Dance

With some,

It’s up close

Embrace

Face to face,

Or wallflower

Stand still,

Sometimes

Petulance

Defiant in

Their space

So I just

Stand in front

Of them

Follow

Their lead.

Honestly,

Don’t have

A clue

As to why

I still

Carry these.

But I do

Know

Now

That I can

Be

Happy

In their

Presents.

 

What Would I do Without You April 10, 2017

I don’t know
What I would do without you,
Wallow in self pity
Build larger walls of resentment
Watch my anger fester
And sorrow grow?
And never really
Know
What it is
To love?
I’m still coming
To terms
With
Who You are
Or What you are
And
Dear God
Or Gaia
Or Both
I truly would
Have no
Strength
If it wasn’t
For the guidance
You give
And the Light
You provide.
One day
If I’m so blessed
To meet you
Divinity
Personified
I will look
To the skies,
Raise my arms
And then kneel
To kiss the ground
For my wishes
Come True