A Testament to Myself
May 15, 2017

I am worth
The effort
The pain
The hurt
The risk
The anxiety
The struggle
The fear.
I am worth
The effort
To sit in
And be with
And go through
The hellfire of
Of it.
I am worth
Living for
And dying for.
My worth is
Inherent.
I’m willing
And glad
To be
Submitting
To my true
Self.
To evolve
To be
Who am I
Which is
A sparkle
In the
Shine
Of Divine
Light.

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Bleed and Let it Bleed For This
May 13, 2017

 

 

 

Thank you
For the transference
Of your infantile
Ways,
Paying lip service
To notions
You only scratch
The surface on
And carelessly
Disregard,
No concept of
Value at all.
Me me me
My my my
I want I want I want
I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want
Like this is
New
It’s not
It’s a replay
Meant as reminder
That you’re not getting
Because
There are some things
That you don’t want
To get your way
All the time
For
Because
They will be lessons
That you will abhor,
And break you down
The thicker the
Skull
The harder
The force
Required to penetrate
It.
So as a mirror
Of resistance
And rejection
My ode to you,
Gratitude for
Right royally pissing
Me off
No worries
About what you
Don’t want
I’m used to it
With your
Self absorbed
Center of the only-verse
There is
In existence.
Nothing like
A person with
Narcissistic patterns
Entangled in
Self-help.
Blinders on
But not for
Focus
More so
To not see
Past their no’s(e).
It’s like a vicious circle
And definitely not
A good infinity loop.
It’s like feeding
A narc
To an addict,
Already self-absorbed
And now a
Reason to get even
More self absorbed.
Black hole
But there
Is a
Light
In that
Vortex
On the other side.
I’ll get to the point
I’d rather be
Right
Than
Wrong
For all the right
Reasons
Which would be
Dialing in
And heeding the
Inherent universal
Truths
That are all
Blatantly in our
Faces
If we choose
To listen.
Nothing like
Finally
Letting go
Of a nagging
Dead weight
Since I’ve
Known you
There has been
This reoccurring
Theme
It’s wrong to
Be right
To suit your
Fucking ways,
Drag me
Down
To your
Inferiority issues.
Which are the
Same
Dead weight
Nagging you,
Let it fucking go
This is what we’re
Here for
Unconditional love
I, for the first
Time in my life
On a walk with my dog
Love and appreciate myself
For being right.
Since I was a kid
I’ve been told
It’s been bad to
Always be right
But as the Joker
Said to the Bat
“You made me”
Are we not
Conditioned
To get it right?
Can’t be wrong,
Can’t make a mistake?
Get good grades,
Be perfect,
Which means we can’t
Be wrong
It’s a sign of
Lack of whatever
The fuck you want it
To be
Intelligence, smarts,
Approval, acceptance
And so on.
So if I’m right,
Winner,
But it means
Loser
It this duality
And opposition
Versus
Let’s all learn
From this
Help each
Other see
The way
Instead of
Perpetuating
Shit.
I rather
Applaud
The effort that
Goes into getting
It right
Than self sabotage
And quitting
Or giving up.
Bleed for this,
And let the blood
Run dry
Feel your heart
Explode
Into a million tiny
Fragments
Only like
A superhero
Movie graphic
It comes back
Together,
To life
Stronger
And stronger
And stronger
With every
Powerful
Heart beat.
Driven by
An innate
Guide,
Love.
Made in
God’s
Image
And this is
The unification
Of masculine
And feminine
Divinity
Embracing
And
Erasing
New for old
So we
Transmute
Earth
Into
Heart
(Same letters form the two words and the solution to all the problems we have is embedded in the word in three letters – ear, meaning listen to your heart, which is an art, of love and expression)

This poem is inspired by a couple things that are synchronous, happening one after the other, not right away but in a sequence to set this realization up. One element is being triggered by a certain someone, the other is the perfect emotional storm inside that has been churning to teach me, aside from the most important thing, unconditional love, emotional independence. The last element is the last scene in the movie Bleed For This where the reporter interviews the main character and asks ‘what’s the biggest lie you were told’. As a side note, there’s another great line in that movie by said main character, “it’s easy to give up”. Authenticity and living vulnerable is not about paying lip service and blowing hot air, as Brene Brown states, it’s about showing up in the arena and taking your hits…probably knowing your’e going to take them too…and still come back, stand up or get back up. The sad part is that we have to spend so much time, or some of us do, spending so much energy in our short lives pursuing all the wrong things that seem right at the time only to have to spend more time undoing and dealing with the internal and possibly external collateral damage caused by it. If i had or have a dream/wish it would be to thank those that have come before me and will come after me as we reshape this world one by one, person by person, on an individual level and energetic level, to make life more peaceful and loving so that others don’t have to endure. We don’t need pain in our lives. We don’t need tragedy to awaken our hearts. We need to relearn or be taught what it means to be who we are, not what we are. And being right is not who we are, it’s what we are, it’s a circumstance. We are love and light with so much stuff to clear to get back to innocence in the Garden of Heaven here on Earth.

Snapped
May 13, 2017

IMG_2316

Snapped
Sway bar
Stabilizer
First reaction
What’s going on
Trying to figure out
And understand.
Old energy patterns
Of blame
Anger
Crop up
Attempt to transcend
Transmute
And
Know
For I did
Observe
The emotional
Storm within
And surrender
Ask for help.
The light bulb came
A day later.
Going too fast
Swayed side to side
Out of control
Felt like i was
Going to tip over
And split.
At a certain threshold
Calm and steady
Sure it’s
Good to rock
The boat
And shake it up
But there is a balance
Not warp speed
Nor turtle pace
Either
Interesting
Usually in my haste
I’m in a rush to
Get nowhere
When behind the wheel
Griping about how
Slow this is
Or why is that
Like that.
This time
I didn’t care
About any of that
About being surpassed
Or even moving fast
Enough,
As much
As I wanted
To get home
Safe and sound.
What happens
When something
Breaks
And you can’t fix it?
You put it in
The hands of some One
Who can, surrender.
Worry about warranty
Coverage
Or will I have enough
Money to cover
It
Feed the fear fire
Only to find out
That no added
Expense
You’re covered
And taken care of
And better yet
There’s something
There to tide
You over until
You get your
Truck back
From repair.
A family van

Dancing With My Dark
April 22, 2017

My shadows

Seem to be a

Gnarly crew.

Are they the same

For you?

Pick the soft

Spots to

Hurt

And Grind

The gears?

Is its

Foundation

Fear?

Jealousy?

Self Pity?

Anger?

Darkness?

Resentment?

Pain?

Worth Issues?

What purpose

Do they serve?

I’ve decided to

Dance

With some,

It’s up close

Embrace

Face to face,

Or wallflower

Stand still,

Sometimes

Petulance

Defiant in

Their space

So I just

Stand in front

Of them

Follow

Their lead.

Honestly,

Don’t have

A clue

As to why

I still

Carry these.

But I do

Know

Now

That I can

Be

Happy

In their

Presents.

 

Embracing Vulnerability
April 7, 2017

IMG_0270

being vulnerable

Is Being

Or a part of

Being in the Unknown.

Being vulnerable

Means being

In the Unknown

And rewriting

What it is

To be vulnerable

Compared to

What we knew

Perhaps as a child

Or when we had no clue.

A gift from

This place of

Unknown vulnerability,

A warm embrace of self

Or knowing to trust vulnerability,

Or that vulnerability can be

Trusted.

Letting go

Of attachment to

Perceptions of outcome

And Expectation.

Vulnerability shows us

How to be

In the fire of love.

It can burn, may be singe

Or inflame

It can be warm

Illuminating, inspiring

All one in the same.

 

Twin Flame
April 5, 2017

IMG_1275

Watched two flames

In one candle

Dancing

Last night.

Incredible energy,

Both drawn

Together.

They bend and twist,

Turn and tilt,

Lean in, lean out

Fast, slow

Frenetic shaking

Followed by

Steady calm.

Trying to consume,

Capture, Fuse

Each other

While sharing

The same space.

So powerful and illuminating,

Attracted, repelled,

Too hot to handle,

Too cold to not

Come back

Together

In the center,

Both fuelled

By the unseen

Fluid air.

 

ps capture the minute meditation video – Candlelight – on nurtureurnature.ca tomorrow to see this brilliant dance

What I Loved About You Most
April 2, 2017

Not your smile
Or your laugh
Or the many ways
We had fun,
Creative or active,
Or the way
You would communicate
And calm things down
When i would get
Energized.
It wasn’t the
Surprise admiration
Inside
At some of the things
You would say.
What I found
Most attractive
And resonated
Immensely with the
Beauty of love
Was when you
Were asleep.
Soft,
Warm,
Defences down.
Peaceful
But most
Of all
Vulnerable.
You are most
Beautiful
In your
vulnerable self
And truth be
Told
I wish
I saw it
During the
Light
Of day.

Toy Story
April 1, 2017

Lucas
Toy Story
Inspired
By a child’s
Buried Toys
In the Arena
Of men being boys.
Needed help
To find something
He buried
And lost
But his pops
Was busy
I avoided
But my
Sympathy
Got the
Better of Me
On my knees
Digging in the dirt
With this tyke
Shortly after
Recovering
His Stuff
That’s part one
Of the Loop
In conversation
The other day
I said i was
Afraid of
Children
Scroll to the top
And you can see
I initially avoided
Part two of
The loop
Green shirt
Design caught
My eye
One word specifically
‘Maya’
Once wrote a poem
About the concept
Of Maya
Divine Illusion
I was pacing
After the toy rescue
And it dawned on me
Hard
My fear is an illusion
Created by me
In an instant
Flooded with joy
Energy
From my crown
Shock-ra
Part three of
The Loop
That morning prior
To this scene
I woke up
At 5am
Writing
About embracing
Honouring
Respecting
The Divine Feminine
Energy within
Me
This is not
A
Coincidence
And it
Is
If you know what
I mean
Since the toy
Rescue
I have been
In a mood
Unseen
For a while
Joy

Is it possible to be too vulnerable
February 11, 2016

  
The benefits of being in touch with your authentic self are all the rage. And that’s the problem. Rage. Short, unexpected outbursts . Nothing violent but an emotion so raw it catches me by surprise. Where did this come from? Is this really me ? After the work I’ve done to clean house it’s like I’ve done nothing and fly off the handle at petty, repetitive stuff that is not going to go away ( stupid inconsiderate drivers; change my dog’s continual refusal to listen to me on first command and his lolly gagging, take the long, distracted by fifty scents , route back to me when he eventually does respond ). 

Too vulnerable. Unable to absorb. Need protection , nurturing. Spread myself too thin. Trying to get in touch with my heart. Trust God yet I can’t quite feel this energy or I’m really good at blocking it out subconsciously even though I ask for its help and presence.  

Sometimes nurturing involves preservation. Although I’m healing (becoming whole) and learning new things, I have to remember that the process has left me exposed, like an open wound, and I require a gentle approach to dealing with myself. One of sensitive awareness that recognizes what the moment is asking for.

Snow play 
February 9, 2016

  
TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Hard to imagine that over the thousands of years a snowflake has never been duplicated. They all taste the same though, cold! I recently watched a movie where two characters stuck out their tongues in the midst of a snowstorm. I chuckled. Two adult characters behaving like kids. What possesses a kid to do this anyways? To try and catch snowflakes with their tongue? Even if there are multiple reasons, at the end of the day who cares? It’s play. It’s reckless abandon and spontaneous. Living in the moment. Something that we as adults, generally speaking, lose touch of. Myself for sure.  

SNOW SQUALL

This photo says a thousand words not heard but played out in my head and in action, literally, in like ten seconds. This is the second photo. The first one I took, I was way too serious. Trying to take the perfect picture while holding my iPhone with one hand and trying to catch snowflakes simultaneously. I judged myself in the picture and then made the effort to actually relax and try to remember what it was like being a kid. No care in the world other than thinking this is the coolest thing ever. I’m catching these snowflakes that are free falling from those big fluffy clouds all the way down to earth. If these snowflakes came in chocolate I’d never come inside.  

THAW

One of the thoughts going through my head is what would someone think if they saw me? Ironic how it’s acceptable for a kid to do but this isn’t really an adult acceptable action.  
The other thing that went through my head is that this really isn’t fun and I don’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. Then I got sad. How pathetic is that? What’s happened to me?

SNOW ANGELS

Brene Brown, a researcher that has spent some time exploring the concept of vulnerability and wholehearted living, states there are ten attributes of people who live authentically from the heart. Play is one of them. I definitely need more play in my life. Doesn’t mean I’m not authentic or living from the heart but as I’ve gotten older it seems easier to get lost in the worrisome cycle of non-fun dreariness. Thank God for big fluffy snowflakes and the grace to melt a frozen heart to enjoy the majesty of winter.